It’s 10am and all you think about is when will you get a chance to have a wine, a vodka and coke or something stronger?
What about it’s after a long school day and you have only one glass of wine left….. is that enough…. no it’s not, you make the trip and vow only to get one bottle but you get two as you know it won’t be enough to numb the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness….
Coming home after a long day, a vodka and coke on ice. An hour later and number of drinks later the numbness sets in. The feeling of inhibition, of pure carelessness and what we think is calmness… but it’s a false calm. A false sense of peace.
This is what you wanted, to be able to feel it’s all okay. The fact you’ve been discarded, thrown away like a piece of gum after being chewed for 6 years and just thrown away… discarded. Stuck under the chapel pew only to be found years later and scraped off by no one who understood why it was placed there in the first place.
The numbness and the haze of the bottom of a bottle makes it okay. It makes your mind seem to accept that being considered trash is okay. It makes the evening pass in a blur. What was once cuddles as you made dinner or simple conversation about your day the norm….. now a blur…
Is it okay?
Who knows, we, as in me and my actual self will have this conversation tomorrow. Then we will decide whats acceptable and what’s not. Until then, the bottom of bottle brings me the numbness and the total illusion that it’s okay, that today will pass, as yesterday did.
You climb into bed alone, the ground spinning, the bed not as comforting as it was once.
You pull the dunar over and you send your leg over the other side, searching for the touch you are all to familiar with.
Then you remember, it’s gone, it’s no longer there, and who knows if it will ever will be there again.
But it’s okay, the numbness makes it seem all okay.
The haze of the bottom of the bottle numbs the feeling of being alone, of being wrong or right. Who knows at this time as the haze is making the whole thing something you can no longer understand!
It’s knowing that eventually the numbness has to fade and something has to give.
That something is you.
You have to realise that the bottom of a bottle only hides and masks what’s really eating away at you. It’s you that’s suffering. It’s you that has to find a way out.
It takes time, it takes strength and it takes those around you to make it possible!
Seek out the help, tell those around you about the haze surrounds you.
If you don’t it’s all you will know and it’s not fair on you to let the bottom of a bottle win!
You’re more than that!!