The Dam DHL van/s!

Today after a week of semi holding it together, I lost it. I dropped miss C into Brisbane and then sitting in traffic for the long trip back I spotted it…. a big yellow DHL van and I lost it.

I lost it because we used to play spotto. That ridiculous game when we saw a yellow car and had to yell; ‘ spotto’, and whack each other. We took this game seriously after our Mt Warning trip…, and being whacked from behind by my niece.

It became ours.

Your mum even asked us one time while you tried to whack me from the drivers seat….’spotto you said’ she asked what are you doing… well it was our game. Thanks to my niece.

Laura still remembers this and I plan to never let her forget!

There it was the looming yellow van… my head went ‘Spotto’ my heart skipped a beat and my hand lifted only slightly before it again hit me….. you and I will never play spotto again.

Those god dam yellow vans are everywhere now! Why now?

It’s a Friday and usually I would be rushing out the door after a school day either rushing miss C or just me, my bag already packed, in fact it was never unpacked, just topped up, and we would be on our way to you. Tonight I am alone.

The first Friday since you decided to leave us. Alone. I have realised that after loving you for so long and then only having you wholey and completely for just over a year I feel cheated. I feel shattered, exhausted, confused, empty, sad and more. All in one.

The head a swirl of; ‘what if’s’, ‘why’, ‘how do I?’ ‘Where do I’, ‘what am I’ …. but most of all…… what from here?

Dam the yellow vans, dam the memories!

I do however pity whoever is near me when I see one next as I will make sure we continue a tradition we made so much fun! That’s what I can do, is change the game. Change it so it remains a memory, even if a hard one initially but I know you would agree, keep whacking people! Particularly Laura!

Keep it alive, keep it going. Rest assured I will! For you!

The orange chairs..

It was a great day, a fun day and a mysterious day when I purchased the orange wooden chairs!

We had escaped the world for a few days, a getaway you had planned. A few days at a small bush B and B in crows next. A tiny cabin, nestled in the trees on a hillside with a beautiful four poster bed and wood fire to warm us. (That’s another story!)

We unloaded the eskies and explored the tiny space we would call home for a few nights. I had prepared our food, you the booze. A cold beer, cider and a cheese platter we moved to the two reclining wooden chairs on the hillside. About 50m from the cabin. We ate the cheese reclined in the wooden chairs and admired the space, the view and the silence. The sunset, one of many we watched together, beautiful!

I knew then I would have to get a set of those wooden chairs for home. We often woke early and had coffee, the news in the background standing on my balcony. Why not sit? I investigated the chairs, where to get them and of course in the most absurd colour!

I ordered them, collected them in flat pack boxes, and spent the good part of an evening assembling them. God I was excited! We had somewhere to sit now, also a small memory of our time away from it all.

You hated the bright orange, although I think you secretly liked it. Instead of standing we would now sit when on the balcony. Coffee in hand and of course AL Jazeera in the background. We would talk of the list of ‘jobs’ we both had that day. Yours always so full of stuff to do!

I would often stand behind you as you leaned over the balcony, my hands around your body my head on your back and we would just be. Knowing that time would eventually make us get on with it. Moments I cherished and I know you did as you often reached down and just held my hands as they held you.

We would finish our coffee and collapse on the bed. Intertwined and wishing we could just be. That the days jobs would dissipate and we could pick them up the next day. However, they never did. You would be dressed in your work clothes, often the ones with their musty work smell from the day before, socks on, garters on and then the boots.

Again we would collapse on the bed. Intertwined… pausing again for a moment before we had to go about our days.

Saying goodbye, kissing you as you left, watching the Ute reverse and hit the brick wall, often, something you just never did well. The mark still there. A memory. Always for me. Nothing to anyone else but us.

Now I sit on the orange chairs, one missing its person. It’s gathering dust, I promise to wipe it down, but also it’s missing you. The view into the neighbours garden not the same. You always critiqued it. Always had recommendations but hey it was his garden. You would be happy to know the plants he planted haven’t grown. You knee they wouldn’t and given the chance would have fixed it for him!

My garden however, is flourishing, after your touch and complete overhaul! It’s beautiful. A tree is sagging though and I wish you were here to help me. To pull out your tools and do what you always did. I watch it leaning and I know I should do something but I can’t.

I am to busy sitting in one of the orange chairs wondering how I am here. How one of the chairs is empty and what to do now. I know you never liked the orange but you loved that we had our chairs.

They are but a memory, one of many!

The four year plan disintegrated…

Tonight it fell apart, I fell apart. It was the year 12 formal and I watched all the students I had taught, some of which had been in my classes since year 7, arrive in beautiful gowns, corsages and looking so amazing.

I smiled, I danced and I watched them and the people around them enjoy each other. The love in some of the couples, the staff and the students hard to digest.

Here I was alone. No one to go home to, no one to call and no one to share it with.

You took that away just over a month ago. We had a four year plan. We would watch miss C grow up and graduate. You a part of that. You even at her formal. The father figure she never had. That was the plan, the dream I suppose.

Most importantly you would have been by my side at a night like tonight. Amazed at what she had become and how much she had achieved.

I faked it. You would have been proud. I laughed. I danced. I played the part.

I got home and I broke. What happens in four years…. I think this is how it is going to be for me. Lots of memories and heartache at the same time.

The good, the bad and the ugly they say.

Tonight it hurts. As I fall asleep, the tears falling down my face, your jumper still cuddled near m my face, know that in four years, you will still be missed. The plan we made, we had, disintegrating each and every day. In more way than I ever imagined.

I miss you, all of you. I suppose loss and grieving take time. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better. I just don’t know how to explain it to a child let alone understand it myself.

We wish you were here. We wish the four year plan still existed. We will do our best but it will never be the same.

Bangkok at its best :)

It’s the holiday of dreams which began a day ago.

A long awaited break and where did we head but to the bustling streets of Bangkok… well for a start!

The jet lag won’t nail you down once in the city. The tooting of the horns, the whistles of the traffic control and the assault on your nose may keep you up and asking for more.

I’ve never been but wow is all I can say. We got to the hotel after 10pm and still managed to get to Soi Cowboy! Now if you don’t know what that is…. google it!

I have never seen, only heard about the beautiful ladies… or should I say men… that walk the streets or hang out outside the clubs! Well it was breathtakingly weird and wonderful.

The smells of cooked and raw fish, the smell of beer and booze, the sights of DD perfect boobs and butts, only to have them turn around and have a package!

What a holiday it has started off as!

The streets humming with activity, mind your toes as the cars go past! I almost lost mine! Your sense of direction will be tested amongst many things!

Bangkok you have not surprised me only enlightened me!

I cannot wait for more!

Time heals all wounds!

It’s been close to 18 years since I first set eyes on you.

It was a lunch on the deck of my best friends house. She’s gone now, in her early 20’s she was taken from us. You, however, are still around. A constant reminder of who brought us together. I thank her everyday now!

There was a moment when you walked onto the deck and my breath caught in my chest. Since then it always has. In still does. Everyday in fact!

You were young, I was, very young, but at that moment I knew there was something about you. Maybe even something about us. Who would have thought our time was now. Finally out mutual friends say!

You were serving overseas so were in and out of Australia. Although you never knew you were always in the back of my mind, always!

Now so many years on and a few brief interludes in the moments where my life was low, very low, you were there, now wake to each other more often than not. Seeing your eyes and your smile as well as feeling your arms around me is what I wake to! Boy I am lucky!

It was never the right time for us. To much going on, to much mistrust, to much time away from one another and really to much hurt. Now look where we are……

It’s tomorrow, the getaway. The one we have planned for over 12 months. Over a year ago, actually it would be June 2018 you came back into my life and we haven’t looked back. It’s been enjoyable, fun, sad at times and even hard. However, here we are.

I remember you turning to me in December 2018 and you said; why did we cross paths again? What now? Why now?

Well here we are….. about to embark on the first 3 week escape for you and I. Your first holiday in 7 years and my first one away without students or child.

To be honest I can’t wait! I look at you everyday and am amazed at how wonderful you are. Rough around the edges yes, but to me in the quiet of the bedroom and with the door closed you really are the most kind and heartfelt man I have ever know. Yes we may wrestle and you may lose. Not as often as I may brag about, but I love how you can be you and I can be me. Truly!

It’s freedom at its best and I cannot wait for the adventure we are about to embark on!

Let’s hope we are talking to each other still in three weeks!

Thank you for being you and for allowing me to be me❤️

Bring on the next chapter of this amazing, sad, happy, amazing and fulfilled book I am writing of my life!

Tired of being the nail?

Have you ever thought that you were tired of being the nail!

Well I am!

It is funny, in a not so funny way if I can even be explain it, that being the nail seems to be part of who I am.

I have found no matter what I do or who I meet, or even where I am I take on the role of being the ‘nail’. I become someone who people vent to, or hammer down with their emotional, mental and more ailments. I take them on, wear the ‘pounding’ and try and offer an out.

When I began this blog I was sitting at a friends place. A very close family friends, ones who had housed me and my daughter when home was no longer safe. We sat around the dinner table over a home cooked meal and I tried to make light of what was a hideous situation for me and my 13 year old.

It has been a few months, more like a year, and I still find myself acting as the nail.

I wonder if being the nail and being hammered all the time is a bad thing. Maybe at the time, that is how I viewed it.

However, upon reflecting on this maybe I am the nail because I can take it. Life has thrown me more than one curve ball, more than one hard ball that, has no other aim than throwing your life into complete upheaval for a reason.

Maybe it’s because I can be the nail. I can be that someone. With all I have been through and what I have around me makes me strong.

I was, just on Sunday past walking the rocky outcrop mear Point Danger in New South Wales, admiring the bolts and the screws that held the wooden pathway together. Made of stainless steel because they don’t rust.

Maybe that’s me, stainless steel. I don’t rust easy. Over time yes but I have a lot in me in the mean time.

Maybe with a bit of care and tenderness in between the hammering I can manage!

So a year ago, being the nail was a shitty thing, today I think it’s okay.

I can be someone else’s nail! Because I am strong enough!

Maybe it just takes time to realise the strength you have and the difference you can make when you do!

So maybe I am not tired of being the nail! More embracing it!!

Emotional abuse – what is it?

Being in an emotionally abusive relationship will not only scare you, but the scars it will leave you with are worse than ever being scared.

You don’t let go of a relationship because you are worried about the other person, rather you let go to save yourself. This isn’t something that is easy either and the decision itself has ramifications!

It is not a viable relationship when there is a specific ‘criteria’ which has to be met. It is not right to be told that you need to be thin to be sexy, to have the house clean – to have a home, to have a robot as a child – to be a good parent.

It’s been about a year since I made that decision and still I have restless nights, down moments and even worse self doubt. It doesn’t happen as often anymore but when the ‘black curtain’, as I call it, begins to descend you know that it’s going to be one of those days, those weeks or even those months. It will take all your energy to fight your way through the drapes and the blackness to get yourself out of it.

Often someone will say something or do something and you are instantly taken back to a moment when you were belittled, shamed and or told you are nothing. My advice, breathe, let it happen, don’t speak, don’t cry, just breathe. You are no longer in that place, you no longer have to feel like that. You made the choice and you are better for it. Remind yourself of that.

In for three……. out for three…… in for three… out for three…. it’s okay to shed a tear but not for long. Only long enough to let the relief and the body to remember the choice was to set you free. To let you grow, mend and become you again.

Someone once told me; “time heels all hurt.” Well I can tell you that is the truth! Give it time. You will heal. I am!