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I burst into tears today….v

Emotions are a funny things. They can creep up on you ever so slightly and then completely take over in a matter of seconds.

It can be when you hear a song, when someone says something or even when you’re sitting alone reflecting on a simple moment in time.

I have found myself spending some time reflecting on what has been and what is to come. With the start of 2019 well and truly upon us I find myself looking at the upcoming year with fresh eyes.

It has been a while since I started a year with laughter, great company, trips to the beach and even some time to myself.

However, there have been moments when I have had open and honest conversations with people or those random ones where someone has said, out loud, ‘wow you’ve been married twice and you’re what, 34?’.

It’s happened, yes it has. I have digested that, but I don’t think I have fully accepted that what has happened in my life thus far has really happened…..

Growing up with parents who have been married for 45 years this year. High school sweethearts and the true ‘Cinderella story’ I always imagined that would be me.

I feel a deep sense of regret, sometimes on a daily basis that I failed myself.

I have to stop my brain from running away with itself and remember why I have already been married twice at the age of 34.

It was not that I gave up, it was not that it was to hard. It was to save me. To allow me and my daughter the best opportunities. The ability to grow and be the best we could be.

I was young when I first got engaged. The ripe old age of 18. Yes, you read right, 18. I remember being ‘lustfully’ in love. Those amazing university days when life seemed so easy. I did call it off and realised I was to young, we were to young. However, a few weeks after this I found out I was pregnant. I remember speaking to my daughters father and my words were; ‘I have never and will never contemplate not having this child. You can be in or not. If not that’s okay I know I have the family and the support to go it alone’. We had been together 3 years and engaged for a time so we both new we had something. We decided to get married, be the family we knew we could be, or thought we could be to bring up our child. Together.

4 years on this seemed something we both could not manage. We realised that our lives had not even started at the age of 18/19 and we had a young baby. He was not sure where he wanted to be and and what he wanted to do and I at the time was self motivated and driven. It was like we were holding each other back. For us both and for our child unfortunately for us we knew being apart would be better. So that’s what we did. A lot of water, dirty and full of silt has travelled under that bridge since! However, I must admit my daughter loves her dad, and me, and she is growing up to be one hell of a young lady so we have to be doing something right!

The second marriage was a whirlwind literally forgotten in time at this point. It started with a simple question in what was known as ‘Friday’s’, a night club on the Sunshine Coast and it turned into an eventful 6 year relationship.

It was in this 6 years I learnt that I can be broken, everyone can. It’s how we get up that counts. There were good times, even great times. I learnt to be a step mum to a 12 year old boy. I had to manage the smelly room, the stares and two kids who knew they were not related but had to learn to live one another. With a FIFO husband on all sorts of rosters it was hard work. I always feared the words, ‘you’re not my mum’ and that made parenting hard and unequal at times.

It was in this 6 years I overcame mountains. Went through a long court ordeal and realised that anger and sadness are hard to bear when bringing up a family. It can consume you, unfortunately in my case it did. Not me however, my husband. It’s hard to live with someone angry and constantly negative. It takes effort and constant positivity. However, this can wear anyone down. You can only carry a family for so long before you lose yourself in it.

I began to lose me. I began to think I was losing my own child. Someone as magnificent as her. Head strong, stubborn and with so much love to offer all those around her. The end began when she began to withdraw, so had I. We felt we were not allowed to be happy or positive. The constant demands, expectations and failures. Even though we never failed, it felt like we did no matter what we did or how hard we tried!

I never understood how mentally and emotionally someone could trap you. I never thought that would be me and it dawned on me one eventful evening that that’s exactly what had happened to me. I had been caged and controlled and I was not coping. Even my daughter new! Before I did. How amazing are our young people!

So overnight the second marriage was done. Not even a day after I felt I had been freed. Like one of those amazing hot air candles that they release in Thailand, I felt free.

A weight had been lifted and life just opened up. Not just small doors but huge panel doors!

I could breathe……

So at 34, yes I have been married twice. It’s hard to say and as I mentioned I have digested it but it doesn’t make it easy to explain or talk about.

I am not a failure but instead I have learnt many things. Overcome a lot and I hope that one day when my daughter is older I can explain this all to her.

I can show her she is strong and how to be strong. How she must search for what she needs and someone who compliments her. Someone who holds her high and is proud of her. Someone who asks how her day was and thinks a romantic evening is fish and chips on a rug at the beach.

We may have high expectations but it’s the small things that count the most.

Next time you hear someone has been married more than once, stop yourself before you judge. Hard I know but that’s me.

It may be hard but I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved. There is so much more ahead of me and I can’t wait! 2019 here we come!

Featured

Why doesn’t the brain have an off switch?

Have you ever wondered why our brain doesn’t have an off switch.

Wouldn’t it be handy!

I mean think about it, how many times have you;

  • gone to bed wishing you could just switch off for a few hours?
  • stop the thoughts going through your head?
  • wondered if you will ever get through what you have to do as your brain seems to run away with itself and make the small things, into big things?
  • been so tired that all you want to do is ‘tune out’?
  • seen the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and they are having it out with one another and your brain is just in the middle and cannot stop the ‘supposed’ conversation taking place?
  • Turn off the hurt or the emotions that you have been experiencing?
  • Turn off the grief and loss just for a moment?
  • Turn off the memories, whether good or bad, just take a break?
  • Worried about the bills you cannot pay and the financial stressors in your life?
  • Been somewhere and you see before your eyes, like one of those old movies, the list of things you have to do or need to get done scroll upwards like the introduction to a star wars movie. You may even have the theme song playing in your head as this happens. Your heart races and you almost go into panic mode before you realize you have managed before and you will again?

Personally I have this happen to me at least once a day. I find my brain sometimes even has a conversation with me. Whereby I say to myself, just get out of my head, or file this, as I imagine a filing cabinet and then the to do list, the concern, the worry or whatever, is filed for later. This ‘filing’ in my head even comes with a slamming of the draw. Sometimes I feel internally satisfied that I have achieved something by being able to file away the non-urgent things.

Lately, in schools, education, workplaces and even on an individual basis we are becoming more aware of peoples mental well-being and mindfulness. Some schools have installed sleep pods, meditation classes or even built a well-being center. Some work places have created surveys or run frequent staff morale events to ensure their mental well-being is taken into consideration.

Facebook has become more populated with small advertisements which promote – ‘Do nothing for 15 seconds’, then you see this amazing rain falling on the leaves of a tree and you are meant to feel calmer and more whole after watching it.

Others have Yoga, Pilates, boxing or even a glass of wine to achieve the same thing.

If only our brain had an off switch!

Inside the human mind

It truly is an amazing organ, so much goes on in there!

No wonder we often feel overwhelmed and we can’t keep going. I mean our body tires out when we are physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted so why cant our brain get ‘tired’. Maybe when we say ‘my head hurts’ because you have been using the brain too much this is in fact when the brain should be able to turn off. Maybe it is tired….

Maybe it is an evolutionary fault – not being installed with an off switch. Imagine what a difference it would make if we could go to bed and just like our bedside light, switch off our minds, completely. Maybe it is a fault of the recent generations, becoming more technology focused and reliant. Becoming busier and busier. Trying to complete what we would have done  in a week in only a few days.

Maybe it us, maybe we are not letting the brain switch off? Maybe we can’t for fear we will never be able to wake up, reboot, or even I believe our greatest fear is missing something. Maybe we will miss something or wake up and be left behind. We are afraid.

Then when we wake the next morning we just turn it back on and it’s had time to reboot. It’s had time to rest and re-group. We would be so much more productive!

Our phones, computers and everything electronic often requires time to be ‘shut-down’ in order to be able to work at its best. Why is our brain not the same?

Teaching…. 8am – 3pm.. um NO!!

I cannot imagine and even more so now having the patience with someone saying; “you’re just a teacher, you have so many holidays, it’s an easy job”…..

I think now more than ever I have never been so tired, so exhausted, so muddled!

Yes, we may get to school for 8am, well I always aim for 7:30am, and I never leave before 4, sometimes 5, if there is a scheduled meeting. Never mind the parent teacher evening we have until 7pm, the sports training until 4:30- 5pm, depending on when the parents arrive for collection. Duty of care after all. We look after the students before anything else!

Then there is the lesson prep, the marking, the reports, the e-mails and of course the students in need. When you come across a student in need we may be making phone calls off our own private phones anyway between 6-7pm upto as late as 9pm. Just so we know they are okay. This happens even now when they are not even on campus. Our worries continue..

I receive e-mails at 1:30am asking about assignment work and drafting so when I wake that’s what I see, and that’s at 6:30am.

Lesson covers to help the staff who cannot attend, so the time you thought you had in the day gone, because we look after our own.

Today…. with this COVID-19 it’s even more pressure. Not only have we gone from having students in front of us and not having the interaction of students in a class as now it’s all remote. Online classes, talking to a screen, screen sharing and more.

We teach from a computer, we take roll call through that to. We use an app, a video/camera, a chat line all while trying to teach! Multi tasking at its best! Recording it, streaming it… and more… all so they do not miss out. That’s what we do!

Absences from a lesson fall on us, follow up and if a class is missed twice follow up with the parents. In a 6 minute conversation today with a family member I had over 18 e-mails to respond to.

I also had 60 year 11 assessments to mark, 28 year 10 assignments and scheduled teaching online for the year 12’s who are so lost now with the new system and an air of ‘who knows’ with assessment. After all the year 12 assessment is being dictated by a higher power!

Then to come home to a 14year old, a kitchen full of dirty dishes and her saying she attended all her classes but she found it hard. Tiring…

Her assignment is due Wednesday, a science one, my area of expertise and I do not have the energy. She even said; “mum you look buggered, lets do the assignment tomorrow”…

So while we as teachers are there for you’re children at this time of need, and always have been and will continue to be.

Remember, thats what we do, that’s why we are teachers and love what we do. That’s why we use the holidays, every spare waking moment ensuring your children are okay. Just remember we are tired do….

All at the sacrifice of our own children! Tonight I am to tired to help my own!

The fight for supplies!

It interesting times at the moment! My goodness who would have thought 2020 would start this way! Things have been emotionally? Physically and mentally more draining than ever!

All consuming to put it bluntly! However, I thought I would share with you what it’s like to get a hold of some toilet paper!

Yes toilet paper, of all things…. Who would have thought!

It was a Sunday morning. My sister in law in need of toilet paper. The Sunshine Coast stores depleted and there was just none on the shelves.

I was tasked with a mission…… get up early, be at the shops amongst the crowds and survive! Yes survive…. the throws of battling for a pack of toilet paper. A four pack, a twelve pack, who cares… just some TP (we will call it that!)

So here I was ready and waiting. The battle about to begin! The doors opened and I was funneled in with the crowd. All heading in one direction…. like robots on a mission!

It’s like I shopped with more than a purpose than ever! I entered, looking over my shoulder, the eyes of those beside you knowing we were all here for one thing… who would be first.. would we be at war?

I slipped down the aisle and peered through the empty coke shelves… why empty you say, well I reckon people need mixer for their booze.. army rolled past the empty spam.. yes the spam shelves… why????? Into the TP aisle….. there it was!! With a light shining on it (like in the movies)….

A twenty four pack… of TP still on the shelves…. I zeroed in on it. It was all I could see. The rest of the world faded and I knew the mission was… get the TP and run…

I grabbed and ran… okay not ran but fast walked… like those athletes that move their hips in weird and wonderful ways as they ‘fast walk’ their race!

The phone in hand, double click….. face recognition done.. the card at the ready! It’s all about timing! Who knows what would happen if I had slowed down…. after all it’s toilet paper!!

A fast barcode recognition and the card ready.. beep beep…..and away we went… escape was all on that was on the mind from here… make it to the car…

Fast walk, imagine hips moving, feet not lifting the ground, sweat beads on the forehead as you leave coles and head to the car.

Open the door, with your key, beep beep…. 50m away in preparation, open door, throw in TP, look over shoulder… get in car… start car and slip into drive!

Phew!! Made it alive!!

Mission a success! My niece and nephew can wipe their butts!

The Dam DHL van/s!

Today after a week of semi holding it together, I lost it. I dropped miss C into Brisbane and then sitting in traffic for the long trip back I spotted it…. a big yellow DHL van and I lost it.

I lost it because we used to play spotto. That ridiculous game when we saw a yellow car and had to yell; ‘ spotto’, and whack each other. We took this game seriously after our Mt Warning trip…, and being whacked from behind by my niece.

It became ours.

Your mum even asked us one time while you tried to whack me from the drivers seat….’spotto you said’ she asked what are you doing… well it was our game. Thanks to my niece.

Laura still remembers this and I plan to never let her forget!

There it was the looming yellow van… my head went ‘Spotto’ my heart skipped a beat and my hand lifted only slightly before it again hit me….. you and I will never play spotto again.

Those god dam yellow vans are everywhere now! Why now?

It’s a Friday and usually I would be rushing out the door after a school day either rushing miss C or just me, my bag already packed, in fact it was never unpacked, just topped up, and we would be on our way to you. Tonight I am alone.

The first Friday since you decided to leave us. Alone. I have realised that after loving you for so long and then only having you wholey and completely for just over a year I feel cheated. I feel shattered, exhausted, confused, empty, sad and more. All in one.

The head a swirl of; ‘what if’s’, ‘why’, ‘how do I?’ ‘Where do I’, ‘what am I’ …. but most of all…… what from here?

Dam the yellow vans, dam the memories!

I do however pity whoever is near me when I see one next as I will make sure we continue a tradition we made so much fun! That’s what I can do, is change the game. Change it so it remains a memory, even if a hard one initially but I know you would agree, keep whacking people! Particularly Laura!

Keep it alive, keep it going. Rest assured I will! For you!

The orange chairs..

It was a great day, a fun day and a mysterious day when I purchased the orange wooden chairs!

We had escaped the world for a few days, a getaway you had planned. A few days at a small bush B and B in crows next. A tiny cabin, nestled in the trees on a hillside with a beautiful four poster bed and wood fire to warm us. (That’s another story!)

We unloaded the eskies and explored the tiny space we would call home for a few nights. I had prepared our food, you the booze. A cold beer, cider and a cheese platter we moved to the two reclining wooden chairs on the hillside. About 50m from the cabin. We ate the cheese reclined in the wooden chairs and admired the space, the view and the silence. The sunset, one of many we watched together, beautiful!

I knew then I would have to get a set of those wooden chairs for home. We often woke early and had coffee, the news in the background standing on my balcony. Why not sit? I investigated the chairs, where to get them and of course in the most absurd colour!

I ordered them, collected them in flat pack boxes, and spent the good part of an evening assembling them. God I was excited! We had somewhere to sit now, also a small memory of our time away from it all.

You hated the bright orange, although I think you secretly liked it. Instead of standing we would now sit when on the balcony. Coffee in hand and of course AL Jazeera in the background. We would talk of the list of ‘jobs’ we both had that day. Yours always so full of stuff to do!

I would often stand behind you as you leaned over the balcony, my hands around your body my head on your back and we would just be. Knowing that time would eventually make us get on with it. Moments I cherished and I know you did as you often reached down and just held my hands as they held you.

We would finish our coffee and collapse on the bed. Intertwined and wishing we could just be. That the days jobs would dissipate and we could pick them up the next day. However, they never did. You would be dressed in your work clothes, often the ones with their musty work smell from the day before, socks on, garters on and then the boots.

Again we would collapse on the bed. Intertwined… pausing again for a moment before we had to go about our days.

Saying goodbye, kissing you as you left, watching the Ute reverse and hit the brick wall, often, something you just never did well. The mark still there. A memory. Always for me. Nothing to anyone else but us.

Now I sit on the orange chairs, one missing its person. It’s gathering dust, I promise to wipe it down, but also it’s missing you. The view into the neighbours garden not the same. You always critiqued it. Always had recommendations but hey it was his garden. You would be happy to know the plants he planted haven’t grown. You knee they wouldn’t and given the chance would have fixed it for him!

My garden however, is flourishing, after your touch and complete overhaul! It’s beautiful. A tree is sagging though and I wish you were here to help me. To pull out your tools and do what you always did. I watch it leaning and I know I should do something but I can’t.

I am to busy sitting in one of the orange chairs wondering how I am here. How one of the chairs is empty and what to do now. I know you never liked the orange but you loved that we had our chairs.

They are but a memory, one of many!

The four year plan disintegrated…

Tonight it fell apart, I fell apart. It was the year 12 formal and I watched all the students I had taught, some of which had been in my classes since year 7, arrive in beautiful gowns, corsages and looking so amazing.

I smiled, I danced and I watched them and the people around them enjoy each other. The love in some of the couples, the staff and the students hard to digest.

Here I was alone. No one to go home to, no one to call and no one to share it with.

You took that away just over a month ago. We had a four year plan. We would watch miss C grow up and graduate. You a part of that. You even at her formal. The father figure she never had. That was the plan, the dream I suppose.

Most importantly you would have been by my side at a night like tonight. Amazed at what she had become and how much she had achieved.

I faked it. You would have been proud. I laughed. I danced. I played the part.

I got home and I broke. What happens in four years…. I think this is how it is going to be for me. Lots of memories and heartache at the same time.

The good, the bad and the ugly they say.

Tonight it hurts. As I fall asleep, the tears falling down my face, your jumper still cuddled near m my face, know that in four years, you will still be missed. The plan we made, we had, disintegrating each and every day. In more way than I ever imagined.

I miss you, all of you. I suppose loss and grieving take time. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better. I just don’t know how to explain it to a child let alone understand it myself.

We wish you were here. We wish the four year plan still existed. We will do our best but it will never be the same.

Bangkok at its best :)

It’s the holiday of dreams which began a day ago.

A long awaited break and where did we head but to the bustling streets of Bangkok… well for a start!

The jet lag won’t nail you down once in the city. The tooting of the horns, the whistles of the traffic control and the assault on your nose may keep you up and asking for more.

I’ve never been but wow is all I can say. We got to the hotel after 10pm and still managed to get to Soi Cowboy! Now if you don’t know what that is…. google it!

I have never seen, only heard about the beautiful ladies… or should I say men… that walk the streets or hang out outside the clubs! Well it was breathtakingly weird and wonderful.

The smells of cooked and raw fish, the smell of beer and booze, the sights of DD perfect boobs and butts, only to have them turn around and have a package!

What a holiday it has started off as!

The streets humming with activity, mind your toes as the cars go past! I almost lost mine! Your sense of direction will be tested amongst many things!

Bangkok you have not surprised me only enlightened me!

I cannot wait for more!

Time heals all wounds!

It’s been close to 18 years since I first set eyes on you.

It was a lunch on the deck of my best friends house. She’s gone now, in her early 20’s she was taken from us. You, however, are still around. A constant reminder of who brought us together. I thank her everyday now!

There was a moment when you walked onto the deck and my breath caught in my chest. Since then it always has. In still does. Everyday in fact!

You were young, I was, very young, but at that moment I knew there was something about you. Maybe even something about us. Who would have thought our time was now. Finally out mutual friends say!

You were serving overseas so were in and out of Australia. Although you never knew you were always in the back of my mind, always!

Now so many years on and a few brief interludes in the moments where my life was low, very low, you were there, now wake to each other more often than not. Seeing your eyes and your smile as well as feeling your arms around me is what I wake to! Boy I am lucky!

It was never the right time for us. To much going on, to much mistrust, to much time away from one another and really to much hurt. Now look where we are……

It’s tomorrow, the getaway. The one we have planned for over 12 months. Over a year ago, actually it would be June 2018 you came back into my life and we haven’t looked back. It’s been enjoyable, fun, sad at times and even hard. However, here we are.

I remember you turning to me in December 2018 and you said; why did we cross paths again? What now? Why now?

Well here we are….. about to embark on the first 3 week escape for you and I. Your first holiday in 7 years and my first one away without students or child.

To be honest I can’t wait! I look at you everyday and am amazed at how wonderful you are. Rough around the edges yes, but to me in the quiet of the bedroom and with the door closed you really are the most kind and heartfelt man I have ever know. Yes we may wrestle and you may lose. Not as often as I may brag about, but I love how you can be you and I can be me. Truly!

It’s freedom at its best and I cannot wait for the adventure we are about to embark on!

Let’s hope we are talking to each other still in three weeks!

Thank you for being you and for allowing me to be me❤️

Bring on the next chapter of this amazing, sad, happy, amazing and fulfilled book I am writing of my life!